Hey future husband, here's a life update! I've taken the time to write this post because I think it's important to understand where I was a year ago and where I am today. A year seems like such a short amount of time but I feel like so many layers have been removed recently that this side by side is just like night and day. I have been thrown around emotionally and literally had to face myself at times. This post will be emotional (what else is new?) so buckle up for the ride, it's going to be a bumpy one.
A year ago (left picture), wow! I was in a relationship, finding myself, looking to be loved with all my flaws, not knowing what those flaws were because I thought I was perfect (lol stay with me!) This picture shows someone smiling but I don't recognize her. Yes, it's me, but that's not me ME. I was learning to love the skin I was in, but I wasn't loving to others. I was trying to live a life of "love me for me and not for what I have" but I was very interested in what others had to offer. I was caring but not of myself, I was respectful to others but lacked boundaries, I was willing but stood in my way. I was a broken version of who I wanted to be, a work in progress, an idea with no plans, a thought no one took into consideration... that was me. Living my life but not living at all. A year ago I was concerned with many things and nothing at all. I was respected but feared, loved but cautiously, cared for but taken advantage of.
This year has been rough! The picture on the right shows someone who knows she's flawed, someone who knows she lacks, someone who fears, but most importantly, it shows someone who has grown. I have allowed my heart to be taken from me and renewed, I have conquered fears and looked at my monsters in the face and although fear took over and some tears were shed, I stood there and faced them. What you dont know is the back story of this picture. Before this picture I cried, I shed a tear because "I can't do this." I focused on my upbringing and what I wasn't allowed to do and it took over in this moment, a moment that became liberating soon after. This is the version I'm supposed to be. An adventurous, carefree, and most importantly unbroken version of myself. A year later it feels right, it feels like cracks are filled in, it feels like pieces are looking like the complete picture, it feels whole, it feels deep, it feels weighted, it feels organized, most importantly, it feels... I'm glad I'm feeling again and not just going through the motions, I'm excited about being excited and I'm hopeful because I finally have hope.
Dear Future Husband, I'm smiling in both pictures but I'm held captive on the left and I'm free on the right. The one thing I've taken from both seasons of my life is enjoy every second as much as possible because you will always reach your destination no matter how bumpy the road is. The process to healing is just as important as when you are finally healed. I know I'm not done yet but right now, in my 30's, I feel stablished and accomplished, and this picture reflects that (photo credits to Pam).